Thursday, July 9, 2009


It is amazing how weird and different pregnancy can be. With Abigayl I was constantly sick and nauseated and I didn't feel very irritable and with this one (so far) my sickness is a lot more mild (thankfully) but my emotions and irritability are so heightened.

I cry constantly. While watching a commercial or a show. I miss Abigayl like I just lost her yesterday. My heart aches with the loss I have gone through and it is difficult to deal with these feelings all over again. I stare at her pictures and her clothes and I long to hold her. I wish that I could just kiss her and lover her and make her be here with me. I know that these are selfish feelings because where she is right now is far better than this place here but I can't help it, I am her mother and I lover her so much.

I just wish I could have had more time with her. But, when would I have wanted to give her up? No matter how much time it would have never been enough. It just feels so unnatural for my child to go before me.

I know that my pregnancy hormones are very much so contributing to my hurt but it is difficult either way.

On a funny note, the only thing I wanted this morning were deviled eggs. So, at 9am I made some and ate all 6 of them (6 halves.. not 6 eggs!). They were yummy. Though, I prefer regular yellow mustard and all I had on hand was Dijon... maybe next time I can do it right!


Anonymous said...

I can't imagine what you've gone through. I can only imagine how deep the loss feels. But if it's any help, I think you're normal. I can't imagine a loving mother feeling any other way.

God bless you as you travel this road - and do battle with your hormones :-)

Melissa Montez said...

Hi, my name is Melissa Montez. I went to H.S. with Rusty, and he was one of my dearest friends after we graduated. I've met you a few times but wasnt sure if you'd remember who I was. I stumbled upon your blogspot as I was told about Abigayl's memorial site and looking for that.

I am so happy to hear that you and Rusty are expecting! I find myself thinking about you guys very often. I know I dont know you very well, but I feel that you are such an amazing person. Not just because of what you have gone thru with losing Abigayl, but because you just seem to be such a neat person that is filled with life and spirit that just sings from your soul. I know, I sound like a nut, but when I see you that is what I see.
You, as a woman and mother, have had to endure more than your share of heartache and sorrow. For a long time I have wanted to talk to you to share my condolences. I am so grateful that you have such a wonderful man as Rusty to lean on in your life.

As a mother myself, I pray for you often and hope that you can continue to be strong in your journey in this life. God gave Abigayl to YOU for a reason. Just pray about it. The kind of praying that just makes you fall down in a sob, and let Jesus pour over you and fill your heart with the answer to your prayers. In this life we dont have much, especially when things like death are so unexplainable, but let your faith always be your guide.

You know, I was once told that our angels are literally right above us. Like, just hangin out so close that we could just reach up and touch them. So keep your head up. Abigayl is there.

Best wishes to you and baby Stamper.
Give Rusty my love.